There is something expected about growing up and learning about relationships. However, brains or the wiring that connects the social cognitive pathways leading to one’s social life are very unique to themselves. It’s not untypical for most teenagers to struggle when desiring an entrance into a social circle or even what may seem to be a typical conversation. These are the steps from the PEERS® program that promote entering a group conversation:
- Discreetly listen to the conversation
- Inconspicuously watch from a distance
- Use a prop
- Identify the topic of conversation
- Make sure you share a common interest in the topic
- Make a bit more eye contact
- Move closer to the group
- Wait for a brief pause in the conversation
- Make a comment or ask a question about the topic: common mistake with teens is that they bring their own topic of interest to the conversation–unrelated to the theme that they are conversing in the group.
- Assess interest: Are they talking to me? Are they facing me (or did they close the circle)? Are they looking at me?
- Introduce yourself- “By the way, my name is Craig”
Recently, I had a renewal of experiencing the rewards of this endeavor. I was in Toronto last month presenting on Trauma and Autism. I had completed my training earlier in the day and had the evening to explore. A few blocks away from my hotel was the Toronto Maple Leafs arena. I thought, if I ever were to go to a professional hockey game, it ought to be in a city where the Hockey Hall of Fame rested. So I ventured out with the idea that I would at least, look to get a ticket if feasible.
I asked around, getting a feel for the scalping ticket prices. The game had started. Attached to the arena was an enormous screen outside showing the game. This night the game honored some of hockey’s greats to be inducted in the Hall of Fame, including the former Flyers superstar Eric Lindros. What happened next, interestingly, was something that I experienced in a very similar way 23 years ago, the last time I was in Canada!
One summer while I was still in college I chose to backpack up through British Columbia from my college town in Northern California. It was a bit of an experiment in exposing me to traveling alone. Something that can be socially challenging. After all, no family, no hometown, no familiar peers to have my back. At the time, I was not sure that was going to be a pleasant experience. But knew that I would need to figure it out. And by the way, I didn’t have the manual to guide me socially. Thus we often have to wing these things. Once I had left Seattle visiting a friend, I made it to Vancouver, British Columbia, alone indefinitely. My first night there was at a hostel in the center of the city. I realized once checking in, that this place had it’s rough edges. There were elements inside and out that didn’t feel safe. My instincts told me to observe and remain guarded. This is part of the social experience: choosing your circle even when you are on the road. Because if you choose the wrong one, it could mean trouble. Consequently, I left the next day to another hostel which was full of other traveler’s all over the world. It was clean and felt very safe. This was a better choice for me. However, I still was alone and after 2 days of roaming around the city, I knew that I needed some social contact. But how? In the PEERS® program we teach members to identify shared interests as a way to start a conversation. This would be the key to getting into the right social circle to make my trips to Canada memorable.
In 1993, I finished my meal and cleaned my dishes in the community kitchen. Next to me were three guys. I discreetly listened to their conversation, inconspicuously watching from a distance. I actually even used a prop which were the dishes I was putting away. Hearing them talk about visiting a local pub, I made a little eye contact as I moved closer to the group. Waiting for a brief pause in the conversation I bravely had to make my move. “Oh, you guys are interested in going to a Pub? Well, there was an English style pub that I saw earlier today”. (By the sound of their accents, I thought this would catch their attention). I watched closely observing their interest in my input. They were very friendly which then made it right for me to next say, “Mind if I come along?” They were responsive and the evening turned out to be one of the highlights of the trip. In fact, later in the trip we also hung out while we stayed at a different hostel in Whistler, B.C. It was text book. As you probably noticed, the skills described are those taught from the book, The Science of Making Friends, which is based on the PEERS® program. It wasn’t always that easy for me and for many other teens it is not; especially kids with a difference. It just happened that I picked the right guys and it worked out. Applying these skills can take practice but knowing the steps allow many of us to have a better concept of turning a conversation into a potential special experience. The PEERS® program is providing a safety net.
Fast forward 23 years later across the continent in Canadian land of Toronto. I was looking for a hockey ticket. Sometimes I feel like my social skills get rusty with being so wrapped up in work and providing for my family. I have found that friendship is a living organism that seems to come and go. We all evolve in our own ways which consequently leads to change, loss of old friendships that can lead to new ones. You would think this may come naturally all these years later. Well, maybe, yet my intention this evening was simply to have a professional hockey experience. This changed though after a common interest emerged–Getting a ticket for the best price possible!
Right outside the arena there were plenty of guys selling tickets. I noticed some young guys approaching a scalper. They seemed to be reluctant to pay too much. I heard them saying that they already had two tickets but one of the guys needed one. I had my phone in my hand acting like I was waiting for someone. Next I was close enough to them to ask them, “What’s a good price point for a ticket?” After they answered, I suggested we join forces to buy two and maybe we could get a good deal. You see, these guys didn’t care about getting good seats because as I would discover, they created them once they got in. We found two tickets for a good deal! As we walked in the arena with our tickets, I thought to myself, should I ask them if I could tag along? I had mentioned outside that I was in town for business and we began trading information. Once again, bravely, I asked if I could come along and the answer was yes! Thanks to my Canadian friends we ended up running into the Great Lindros himself. We roamed around and were able to find good seats. Not only was the game very fun but we followed it up going to a club while exploring the city. It was a night where I hung out with some millennials from different generations and countries but enough shared interests to enjoy each other’s company. I discovered a comfort being the middle aged guy in the group. The Canadian singer Alanis Morrisette may have said it best in her iconic tune Ironic:
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well isn’t this nice…”
And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think…
And yeah, life has a way of sneaking up on you
And life has a funny, funny way of helping you out…
Helping you out
Socially, we have to take some risks. But it’s wise to prepare our young people who struggle with complexities to their thinking and sensitive nervous systems, providing them with sure-fire ways of knowing what to do. Because what we do can lead to rewards. No risk, no rewards. Lack of social skills can often equate into lack of experiencing the joy of relational connection. My Canadian experience was not only ironic but reaffirming of using the social techniques that enhance the venture.
