Some of my favourite videos to watch online are the epic rides of surfers catching big waves. Recently there has been some remarkable footage of this massive surf from Mullaghmore in County Sligo, Ireland with some world class surfers catching waves. Even though I grew up near the Pacific Ocean I’ve never even tried or have any interest in learning how to surf. That said, I find it exhilarating to watch the surfer catch and ride the big wave. In this blog, I will be discussing a different use of the word “Wave”. This use of the term is an anacronym W.A.V.E- Witness, Accept, Validate, and Empower. I have found it to be a valuable reminder of how we engage interpersonally with the people in our lives. It’s an approach, metaphorically like a surfer, where we can ride out something that might look and feel intimidating yet do it in a manner where we move through it without wiping out!
The WAVE was something that first was introduced to me back when my daughter was around 8 years old. Any parent of a special needs child knows how challenging school settings can be. After many disappointments we enroled our autistic daughter in a small private school that practiced the WAVE. It was there that one of the educators used the WAVE as a means to help children regulate. This approach can offer great wisdom in so many ways. I would like to breakdown each of the steps so that I can share this valuable philosophy and technique.
Witness
“Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -Viktor Frankl
As a parent we often have a tendency to jump towards a parenting challenge and to somehow ensure that the child has support. This also can be indicative of attempting to fix things per say. We can do this in other relationship situations too like with partners, family members, co-workers alike. Witnessing, being the first step, is to do the opposite of stepping closer to the other person (s). It means to take a step back. In our attempt to control or protect we often miss the opportunity to reflect and give some space between the stimulus and response. Detaching can be done in a very present and compassionate manner. Often people look at detaching as a cold, avoidant rection when in fact it allows it to be a form of discernment that potentially can create a stronger outcome in the relationship. It’s a form of intentional presence that is self-caring and holding space for someone else at the same time. as opposed to having to scramble and react out of fear or impulsivity.
This can be very challenging! Over the years I’ve had to consciously work on witnessing and finding trust to do so. I sometimes refer to this as becoming a cool observer. Whether it’s being able to allow my kids to feel uncomfortable and trust that their brains will come around with safe containment. Or in my marriage to step back from a disagreement, for greater reflection and composure trusting that when I return the interaction can have a healthier trajectory. This is witnessing. Or utilising the restraint and patience to allow myself to simmer and let the other person have space too so that when we return there is a greater trust in each other’s ability to detach but not disconnect. We don’t have to hold other peoples’ feelings or issues. Sometimes that can take away something from them that impedes their own growth or integrity. But again, holding space is different than holding other’s feelings.
A book I was recently drawn to is called The Courage to be Disliked. The title, at least, spoke to this idea of witnessing and being less enmeshed or fear based when engaging in relationships. Although, the book which is based on Adlerian philosophy has its limitations, it does make a strong argument to step back in many cases and not allow yourself to be pulled into a form of inferiority or superiority complex. This can undermine relationships creating unnecessary power struggles. The philosophy behind these ideas also relies on the what’s called the separation of tasks. This teaches one to distinguish your responsibilities from others and how this can create the space necessary for one to have a healthier interaction. This can prevent co-dependency and resentment. Mostly, I liked the title because it speaks to the strength and attachment security of being in one’s truth and trusting that. This practice of Witnessing is what primes you to move into the next step of Accepting.
Accept
“You can’t stop the waves but you can learn to surf.” -Jon Kabat-Zinn
Using another surfing analogy, the surfer stays focused waiting for the right swell so they can get the opportunity for the ride of the day. They are patient and reflective to their instincts not forcing it or becoming too rushed. Remember detachment with presence strengthens relationships, not weakening it. So, I imagine myself feeling this moment and accept the challenge of this huge wave that’s forming. Paddling as hard as I can I pull myself up on the board flying down the massive face of the wave but in control. There is a form of focus and acceptance of this moment that depends on a faith in my approach. It took years of training and mistakes to get to this place. I have arrived accepting the challenge and at this point having a greater poise in moving through this without as much fear as the past. Because internally I know now more than ever that I have what it takes to ride this out.
Radical acceptance is a skill base that evolved with the modality of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. This idea and way of thinking approaches challenges first at the witnessing stage with that practice of quiet observation/reflection-becoming clearer about the separation of tasks. Consequently, this forms into a more reality-based perspective that avoids the black and white thinking traps of good and bad. It’s being able to grasp and accept suffering/difficulties not as a threat but as a reality that can be transformed. ‘Suffering is your perception clashing with reality’. When we get stuck in this blended, enmeshed place with the two separate tasks we run the risk of being trapped into a form of victimhood.
The Accept in the WAVE has a tendency of weaving back and forth into Witness. They are intertwined until you are able to detach and see it from a place of presence. Or what I like to call quiet confidence. The observer hears the inner voice that reminds them “This is what I am actually dealing with right now. This is what I can control and what I can’t control. And that’s okay.” Our neurology has a natural mechanism to give our nervous system a passage out of being overwhelmed. It’s designed to filter too many overwhelming thoughts and sensations at once. But traffic jams happen and sometimes it pushes past the filters and overwhelms the system. Because we can’t accept what’s in front of us. We have to command it or figure it out. The fears override the wisdom of witnessing and therefore we stay locked into the problem.
Mindful breathing, remembering that the body is always present. Seeing the situation from a place of curiosity and composure. That’s acceptance. We know things won’t go our way many times but with intention and patience we can see things through. So that when you get to the other side you are left with this reinforcement that regardless the outcome one is operating in their best self and that is validating.
Validate
“Validation is a powerful tool for building trust and connection in relationships.” -Diana Partington, Author of ‘DBT For Life: Skills to transform the way you live
We like to be praised. We like to be noticed and heard. As much as we may not want to admit it, even the most holy and humble are giving something to receive some form of connection and worthy experience. When people are in conflict the value of each side to know that they are being heard and understood goes a long way of restoring safety and trust in the relationship. If not, what is reinforced can feel dismissive. It’s often wise to be reminded that we mustn’t become dependent on the validation of others and in fact, our greatest validation is given from ourselves. After all, we can give up much freedom in staying trapped into relying on others to validate our worth.
A variety of relationships can be demonstrated of how validation is essential to create safety, trust, and collaboration. From a child development point of view, children need validation from those around them that are responsible to meet their emotional needs. Parents, teachers, coaches, and other supports in their lives can give them feedback that allows them to internalize and construct a positive image of how they are growing into themselves. Employers or supervisors are in a similar position to help their colleagues grow in their professions. Validating their efforts and times of valued performance gives them the feedback they need to become better at their jobs. Couples thrive when they give each other messages of validation. And friendships rely on the support of kind, understanding, and praising peers in any given moment.
Validation calms the nervous system and helps formulate our neural network. When we are validated dopamine is released which brings relief and pleasure. It also can create a great sense of belonging. On the other hand, if we live in environments that consistently lack validation, the brain releases the stress hormone cortisol which over time can cause people to shut down and check out.
Naming the feeling, the helpful behaviour, praising, and just being able to notice {acknowledge) are tools to offer reinforcement to a person’s emotional expression. Be specific and sincere when you offer the praise or constructive feedback. This can also further deescalate a state that may be dysregulated and reinforce choices that have greater value to any given situation.
One more thing to ascertain about validation. Often, there are scenarios where once we witness and accept, we are in the position to validate oneself. We process the event and see it as clearly as possible. We come to a place where in the acceptance of things happening, we can remind ourselves that we have been through this before, we will go through it again. Moreover, we have gotten out of it before and we will get out of it again. A validating equation like this is helpful to remember.
Empower
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Anais Nin
I have to imagine riding the huge wave to the safe place has to be exhilarating! Terrifying perhaps too but once you get past the part that you could die, well, that must be like being on top of the world. When we use the WAVE to approach the difficulties inevitably set before us, the goal is always to have an outcome that can be empowering. Sometimes it won’t feel empowering at the moment but later after more reflection you may see it being more generative than you initially thought.
When it comes to interpersonal conflict or being in a role to guide someone, we can effectively utilize the wisdom to witness, the determination and grace to accept, and the skill to validate. This sets up an outcome where everyone involved feels a sense of grounding. When a parent uses this a child can walk away feeling much better about themselves with more competency and sense of trust in the environment. A supervisee can feel like that they have someone who understands and has they’re back moving forward with a sense of purpose in their role. A couple who struggles to see eye to eye can use the WAVE and walk away feeling more supported and confident that they are in the right place and with the right person. All these scenarios can lead to feeling empowered. There is a quote that says, “Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone”. When we begin the WAVE there is uncertainty and likely discomfort. When one feels empowered, it activates the part of the brain’s reward system which enhances the prefrontal cortex that improves confidence and goal directed behaviours. The WAVE provides one with a framework or road map to navigate the discomfort as opposed to avoid it or control it in some maladaptive way. When we work together, we evolve. When we work against each other we devolve.
The WAVE embodies a deeper wisdom. It certainly takes practice and patience. But as we gradually stay self-attuned and present, we will instil the self-control to allow ourselves to operate from a deliberate and poised place. It can be with principled boundaries and also compassion. Riding these waves through such trials can be rough, maybe even sloppy. But once we create a stronger connection, we are sure to end back up on more solid ground (like a beach!) feeling like we made it through. And there is something that feels very good about that.